modernprimate:

In this age of internet, does anyone know how to do it anymore?? To prepare for a strong mount, it’s important to make someone feel good and comfortable and safe. Make sure to take care of that. Clear some space. You’re going to need some room for proper technique. Also, be mindful of your neighbors. All that hammering around can be inconsiderate if done at odd hours. (via How to Treat a Lady: Mount Her | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep)

DIY Weekend

ladiezhomejournal:

SPAM YOUR MOMS WITH COUPS!

Also, if you can figure out that fine print, we will award you with all 5 coupons printed out. Talk about a Mother’s Day gift.

modernprimate:

FYI: Your mom’s a lady.
Now before you start raining down Hershey’s Kisses and floral bouquets and other pink-themed STUFF on this Mother’s Day parade, take a step back and give her the gift that someone else put together for you: coupons. All you need to do is right click + save as “momfun_momgift” + and Ctrl-P for instant Mother’s Day presents.

How To Treat a Lady: Your Mom’s a Lady

Mom will be so excited.

AT coming to a theater near YOU. Ticketswillselloutsogonowwww

astronauttheatre:

Tickets are on sale for our MAY TRI COASTAL TOUR.

Coast #1: Chicago. May 11 @ Stage 773
Coast #2: NYC. May 17 @ The People’s Improv Theater
Coast #3: Austin. May 25 @ Austin Sketchfest

P.S. There’s a special bonus if you buy the 3-show package, so you should probably get your RV engines in gear.

nedhepburn:

Obama.

Would love to greet Obama in windpants with a long line of high fives right about now.

Fast Women

So proud and grateful for all of the heart&minds&bodies of these women. Congratulations to the entire Urbanity Dance community on an amazing show this weekend!!

“If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” Audre Lorde

I won’t turn ten.

“I have nothing now but praise for my life. I’m not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can’t stop them. They leave me and I love them more. … What I dread is the isolation. … There are so many beautiful things in the world which I will have to leave when I die, but I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.”

An infinitely funny, poignant, beautiful interview with Terry Gross. Maurice Sendak: On Life, Death And Children’s Lit

oh phew i found it. my worst nightmare blog.

WHAT IS A GIRLY THING.

these girls are killin it in the produce section

(via VHX)

SUMMER SHOWS STARTING NOW

astronauttheatre:

Astronaut Theatre has officially declared summer, irrespective of weather. 

So pull out your one-pieces and mark your calendars for summer show dates!!!!

Hair by David Lynch

ladiezhomejournal:

Are you in love? Are you in love with yourself? Do others love that you’re in love? What is love? WHO ARE YOU?!???

All this and more, at Modern Primate.

Quiztimes. For your truest friends.

COOL FACTS BRO

 It’s so fun that you have passions and hobbies and try to talk about the world, Rache Rache. (Cheek pinch)!!

Alex Castellanos is infuriating. Continuously thankful of Rachel Maddow for looking these clowns in the face and articulating important shit while everyone else at the table swims around in unreality.

WHERE IS MY BATHING COSTUME

Oh hey we made thi$$$.

astronauttheatre:

Newest New Video From Astronaut Theatre

You can’t trust any banks with your money. Where should you put it? We’ve got just the…account.

Mapping the War on Women

Take a moment today to think long and hard about the Lacto-Mountains.

Join us on How to Treat a Lady at Modern Primate.

Master of My Make-Believe

is Making Me Master all my Beliefs

Santigold’s album is too good. Go listen at NPR.

ladiezhomejournal:

BOOOOOOOOOM. Check it. 

modernprimate:

A war on women? War on women! Women’s war. The ol’ womanly war. Le Waré. What is this “War on Women”? Is it a new mud wrestling tournament? Or a new action movie starring Gina Carano? Because everyone is talking about it and no one is explaining sides or mechanics or anything. And AskJeeves has no answers. What’s a concerned dude to do?

(via How to Treat a Lady: Her Body is a Wonderzone | Modern Primate | The Manhood Manual)

Her Body is a Wonderzone
I don’t know if you remember this far back, but the old crooner John Mayer must have been way ahead of his time.

I don’t think I’ve expressed how excited I am to read “Boner Jams” this week.

These manuals and more in….How to Treat a Lady: Make Her Go Boom.

my idols (via VHX)

Modern Primate: How to Treat a Lady: 13 Ways to Make Her Go Boom

Tien and I wrote this fresh for Friday the 13th because 1. Today is full of superstitions or something and 2. You are going to have 13 kinds of sex tonight.

SPAM YOUR MOMS WITH COUPS!

Also, if you can figure out that fine print, we will award you with all 5 coupons printed out. Talk about a Mother’s Day gift.

modernprimate:

FYI: Your mom’s a lady.
Now before you start raining down Hershey’s Kisses and floral bouquets and other pink-themed STUFF on this Mother’s Day parade, take a step back and give her the gift that someone else put together for you: coupons. All you need to do is right click + save as “momfun_momgift” + and Ctrl-P for instant Mother’s Day presents.

How To Treat a Lady: Your Mom’s a Lady

“I’m giving this menu 5 out of 5 diabetes stars. They’re the best kind because they’re sugar free.” - Paula Deen

“I’ve traveled the world without making a single reservation at any of the restaurants I’ve dined at. This is just a menu, not a restaurant, and I’ve already made a return reservation to this menu.” - Anthony Bourdain

“It was delicious. A triumph for male cooks everywhere. Like me! I’m a male cook. I think.” - Grimace 

Are you in love? Are you in love with yourself? Do others love that you’re in love? What is love? WHO ARE YOU?!???

All this and more, at Modern Primate.

BOOOOOOOOOM. Check it. 

modernprimate:

A war on women? War on women! Women’s war. The ol’ womanly war. Le Waré. What is this “War on Women”? Is it a new mud wrestling tournament? Or a new action movie starring Gina Carano? Because everyone is talking about it and no one is explaining sides or mechanics or anything. And AskJeeves has no answers. What’s a concerned dude to do?

(via How to Treat a Lady: Her Body is a Wonderzone | Modern Primate | The Manhood Manual)

a/s/l?

youngish/lady/Tingle Tangle, USA

It’s right there on the map. Or at Modern Primate.

Loyal readers, Mom, Dad. We have a new Friday home: Modern Primate.

modernprimate:

13 Ways(to Find Ways) to Make Her Go Boom In Descending Priority

1. Ask yourself.

2. Consult appropriate printed texts. Your BFF Maxim has loads of advice for a hot scenario in a limo in Tijuana on MLK Day. Or maybe you prefer a quarterly about gentlemen? GQ can show you great knowledge about “The Road to O-Town.” That one thing they told you to do with your tongue and spelling “abracadabra” is so boom-able. TOTALLY do it!

3. Turn to the REAL DEAL bible of all women everywhere: Cosmo. If the men’s magazines don’t give you enough to go on, head straight for this bastion of lady advice. Their suggestions of incorporating dental products are so spot on.

4. Do not bring up sex in conversation.

…

(Read MORE at How to Treat a Lady: 13 Ways to Make Her Go Boom | Modern Primate | The Manhood Manual)

Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday: Haircut PSA

Just your friendly mid-week reminder for everyone to get a fresh haircut by Friday.

Because everyone needs a weekend bang.

We’re knee-deep in tax season right now, trying to balance the LHJ budget, and it turns out that it costs a whole lot of $$$ to own a vagina. Like a lot. Vaginas are really expensive to own and operate. How expensive are vaginas, you ask?

Well, Tracie Egan Morrissey’s itemized list of vagina-costs, including tampons, birth control and gynecologists, totals $2663.02 a year. As 24/7 vagina proprieters, we’ve got some more stuff to add to that list: Supportive bras, mammograms, all manner of menopause coping mechanisms (oh yeah, women still have vaginas post 50), priced up haircuts, pink cellphones, and all that other weird shit that companies are marketing to us every day.

At first we were all like, HEY WAIT A MINUTE LET’S RETURN THESE VAGINAS. EXCUSE ME MOTHERCREATOR THERE ARE SOME UNFORESEEN EXPENSES WE CANNOT AFFORD. UNDERWATER BASKETWEAVING IS NOT A LUCRATIVE TRADE YET. IT WILL BE, BUT IT’S NOT YET. RETURN PLEASE. Alas, we already cut the tags off and lost the receipt, so no vagina returns at the great customer service counter in the sky for us. More importantly…we don’t want to. We love being ladies. The vagina stays.

Now, those calculations are based on solo-vagina support. Imagine if we had to support other vaginas in friendship, partnership, sistership, spawnship, an all-ladies cruiseship. That’s a lot of ships with a lot of vaginas to cover.

SOLUTION:  We must join together. If this world wants to bleed us vagina-carrying humans dry of our hard-earned money, we will recollect it with a super-absorbent and protective blue layer of strength and political bargaining. Introducing our independent-expenditure only committee committed to lowering the financial cost of vaginas:

The LHJ SuperPAD. aka Ladiez Home Journal Super Political Action Deeds.

Helpful Post Tip: Vagina Vagina Vagina. If you are reading and drinking, go ahead and take a shot for every “Vagina.” You’ll be drunk with anger at first, and then with hope. Blacked out with hope. Sincerely, Vagina.

TT: Good morning, Katherine Kelly.

KK: Good morning, Hank Tina. And a very happy women’s day to you.

TT: And a very happy women’s day to you. (Takes off lace gloves) Would you like something to drink? Water? Tea? Johnny Walker Black?

KK: Oh dear. (Sets down delicate clutch) I’ll have a pickleback please.

TT: Oh but of course! (Brings out picklebacks and a plate of Banh Mi sandwiches. Turns on Girl with Dragon Tattoo…the swedish version.)

KK: Le sigh.

TT: Le sigh.

With any divisive issue re: access to contraception for all, it’s always important to hear both sides of the story, which is why we’ve invited Rush Limbaugh here with us today. When that other side of the story comes from the crazed brain of an irrational human monster, it’s always best to be drunk. Introducing Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday: Drinking Game Edition

LUSH LIMBAUGH: A Drinking Game for Women Sluts

Rush wouldn’t respond to our initial invitation of Ladiez Luncheon, so we did what any self-respecting “authorettes” would do—put on some masculine accents, dressed in drag, harassed a woman, and VOILA! He’s HERE! He has no idea we’re playing. So, get ready to get LUSHED.

Rules:
1. Grab the nearest Limbaugh. Can be audio, video, or real thing, if you’ve invited him to your LadiezHJ lair disguised as a bro pad.
2. Pour your favorite beverage. Since you’re a slut, it’s definitely vodka or tequila cause they make your clothes come offffffff.
3. Drink when Lush Rush mentions any of the following: sluts, leftists, prostitutes, liberal media, feminazis, phony soldiers, bronze effigies, Michelle Obama’s weight.
4. Also drink when you:
Think about using birth control.
Pay for birth control.
Use birth control.
Engage in sexual intercourse…heterosexual intercourse. That’s the only kind.
Identify as a woman, lady, female.
Think.
Speak.
Breathe.

Shhh shhh he’s starting.

“Good afternoon. I’m hear to talk to you about women. Or as I like to call them sluts. Slut slut slut when you think you’re slut slut slut is inevitably slut. When prostitutes slut with other slut sluts, I bigoted remark with no moral compass. Furthermore, round-heeled slut feminazis can’t even begin to understand my logic. You bunch of liberal media mean mean mean thing here. Listen to me sluts! Look at my bust!”

OmGah. Stop. Stop. WeRe gonna bisvk out. Pfff haha black out. Lez go get tAcoS.

We’ve got to sober up before all of our sponsors pull out. Wait. That’s the best way to prevent unwanted conservative spawnsors. The rhythm method WINS.

HAPPY
WEEKEND MAKES

In honor of all the weekend kissing our readers do, we thought we would pass along a little advice. Photographic inspiration, if you will.

Take a close look, because these are ALL WRONG.

1. Girl should definitely have her top off.

2. Boy should be sprawled upside down.

3. Everyone should have easy access to a bowl of snacks and passion. And your necks should be comfortable.

HAPPY WEEKEND MAKES

Originally from heyoscarwilde:

How to Kiss

scanned from Life Magazine circa 1942 :: via x-ray_delta_one

Primary Romance, Political Kisses

GOP primary season is in full swing and the only thing more important than finding out who is going to be America’s next Republican darling is finding a Republican darling of your very own. So many eligible bachelors ripe for the picking, and don’t forget about the married men! Newt Gingrich still has to find his 4th through 6th wives.
 
Due to high demand (no really, stop calling about it), we here at Ladiez Home Journal developed a detailed guide to finding love during the GOP primaries.
So much action!
So many white men!
So much potential for Real Republican Romance. Or as we like to call it RRRomance. Or Romance, for short.
 
On the Trail to Real Republican Romance: A Primary Toolkit by LadiezHJ
 
What to Wear
Something restrictive, preferably out of a boiled wool fabric. Definitely large-scale pearls. RED. It helps the candidates remember which side they’re supposed to be on. And that they’re out for BLOOD. We mean romance. 
Are you Caucasian? Yeah, wear that too.

Musical Seduction
John Phillips Sousa should do the trick. Patriotic brass instruments just scream intimacy. Horn blowing intimacy.

Set the Mood
Donate in advance to his Super PAC.
Create a negative ad-themed sex tape about his opponent.

Things to Say
“I don’t think gravity should be taught in schools.”
“Birth control, smirth control.”
“Marriage is between a man (point towards his heart with your index finger) and a woman (spin in a circle and land in a curtsy).”
“I’ve only had 1 glass of wine tonight. Oh wait, that wasn’t intended to be a factual statement.”

(Note: This should all be said in the privacy of a private hotel suite, not in public. Duh. Don’t speak in public.)

Some of you might be thinking: “Hey LHJ, you’re only talking about men. What if I’m interested in a female Republican presidential candidate?”
To which we would say: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAA

RRRomance: Behind every Republican man is a woman standing very very very very far behind him.

We’re all GAY WIENERS!

Big news in the news lately: many states are making strides to be champions of marriage and equality. Gay winners, so to speak…or should we say Gay Wieners. Yea, we’re definitely going to say Gay Wieners. In honor of these Gay Wieners, Ladiez Home Journal is throwing a wiener roast for all the best policies, and YOU’RE INVITED!

Why are they wieners? Because it sounds a lot like winner and winners are always on the right side of history. Why are we cooking them up? Because everybody is a wiener when we work for marriage equality. Nothing says progress like a nice juicy hot dog primed for roasting over the fire of justice for all to enjoy.

Whose wieners are primed?

Washington is ready to roast. California has been taken off the fire for a hot second, then thrown back on. Lets let her cook for a while, shall we? And Illinois is just being placed on the spit now, away from the direct flame.

New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, and New Hampshire are all arranged on a platter with toasted buns, slaw, condiments and love.

Unfortunately, we have a pack of 43 hot dogs that are still cold and flaccid and in the dirt. So listen up, America, we can’t keep these hot dogs here forever. Mostly because it’s unhealthy and the chances of us contracting some sort of digestive e. coli, or should we say e.bigotry, is very high. 

(That’s Lady Liberty.)

To close: Wiener wiener wiener wiener WIENER

How to Treat a Lady: Give Her Photo Friendship

Relationships are hard. They take time, effort, love, considering someone else’s feelings, grabbing drinks, dinner parties, phone calls, emails, telegrams, matching tattoos…HARD. Whether you have a friend(s) or significant other(s) there is one surefire way to solve any problem that ails you, human to human.

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “I’m so annoyed with my friend right now!” Or “Why isn’t this relationship working?” Or “I wonder who my real mom is.” Well, if you answered yes to either of the first two, then do we have a solution for you:

Run to the nearest photobooth.

Real scenario: Two friends are at each other’s throats on a Friday night out. You’re not dancing at the same tempo and she keeps going to the bathroom. Thoughts of the last time she didn’t wash her dishes bubble up as you’re about to leave, when you spy the nearest mechanical savior. SOLVED.

Testimonial: “I was so close to throwing you out of my apartment. Then you suggested a photobooth photoshoot and I was like YES!”

Real scenario: You and your girlfriend just got into a big fight because you didn’t pay enough attention to her at the 1 on 1 dinner you had in your apartment. Unfortunately, you promised your mutual friends you’d meet them out, so you HAVE to go. TOGETHER. Luckily, just past the bar, behind a group of girls in fashion tops, you spy your ticket to harmony. A curtained safe haven. Relationship SOLVED.

BONUS Together 4Ever Tip: Try goofy face. Normal face. Goofy face. Kissy face.

Testimonial: “I was worried this was going to become another failed romance. Turns out, we just didn’t take enough photobooth pics. If you don’t want to be shoved in a small space together and take a series of funny face pics, then it’s not meant to be.”

Relationships are solved by coming together despite differences in a coffin-like space. So photobooth photoshoots are the perfect indicator for all kinds of relationships. Why ELSE do you think your local bar is setting up that machine and charging you $5? For profit? HAHAHA. Good one.

4 photos. 1 heart.

BONUS BONUS Tip: If you collect enough photobooth photoshoots, your hipster street cred will rise 1 point. That’s enough for 2 free picklebacks at the bar!

Take our advice, kids.

It was Betty White’s 90th birthday last night. Direct quote from LadiezHJ:

“Awwww. Betty! Awwww. Betty. You know what?! Awww. Yes.”

#warmfuzzies for the lady still doing it all. 

Girl Scout Cookies
for Truth

As two strong female role models, aka femodels, it’s important for us to promote, no, encourage, nay, FOSTER the ideas of young girls brave enough to take a stand against something they don’t believe in. We like to call these girls: Ladiez-In-Waiting.

The star of this edition’s Ladiez-In-Waiting is an up-and-coming Girl Scout with some bigotry ideas for a new line of cookies! Cookies that are just for girls. NOT kids with different body parts who just say they’re girls in the hopes of infiltrating the club. “Because girls should do girl things, boys do boy things and that’s the natural order of life!”

It’s this type of go-getter attitude we love, and that’s why we’re going to fast-track Taylor’s recipe for success and add some new ones of our own. We’re rolling out a whole new line of cookies to combat the dangerous game of girls accepting girls. Because we don’t know if you know, but it’s DANGEROUS. 

NEW COOKIES:

Thank You Berry Munch for Using Berry Colors, I’m a Girl and I Like Pink
Berries are the girliest flavor! We all like the same thing!

Anti-Samoans
Polynesians are not allowed. Unless they can hula dance for our TALENT SHOW.

Do-Si-Don’t Be So Open Minded
This crispy, crunchy oatmeal cookie is sure to keep you thinking conservatively. For extra flavor fun, eat these little treats while reading Godless: The Church of Liberalism by Ann Coulter.

Thinly-Veiled DiscriMints
I think you belong in Troop 4473 if you’re from THAT neighborhood.

Trefoils
They’re white. Like we should be.

Fag-No-Longers
Layers of peanut butter are a yummy way to help you convert all the budding lesbians in GSA back to normal. Thanks for the idea, Boy Scouts.

Hey Taylor, it’s not your fault some adults are whispering a lot of sweet conservative nothings in your ear. And hey Overbearing Conservative Parents, we’ll do you one better re: gender norms. We propose that Girl Scouts now make all the cookies, since we’re better in the kitchen and all. Let the Boy Scouts sell them. They have a real knack for salesmanship. See, it’s in the word itself. SalesMANship. (They also like ships).

Postscript: It looks like Taylor has been roped in with http://honestgirlscouts.com. Every budding activist needs mentors. 

Post Post Script: Kudos to the rest of the girls of the world who are learning, building, doing, accepting. And kudos to the GSA for facilitating that.

Just to reiterate. 

(In case you’ve forgotten)

2012 Iowa Republican Caucus Lowlights! 

If you missed last night’s Iowa caucus craziness, don’t worry we snagged some soundbites for you that will give you a pretty God… we mean GOOD. GOOD picture of what happened.

If you need more of a summary:

Bachman peaced.
Rick Perry has NO idea what’s going on.
Huntsman wants to play.
Santorum, Paul, Roemer are…who cares.
Mitt is on the top of his world.

Up next, on the LHJ local news station:

“Someone is being a BIG ASS. And it’s not Michelle Obama. Tonight at 8.”

Hint: It has nothing to do with asses.

From The Desk of LadiezHJ: Why we cancelled the “great luncheon”..

Donald Trump is doing a fun bit these days called “Look at me I’m over here, with $$.” In which political criticism leads to rambling leads to indecisiveness leads to doing whatever the fuck he wants anyway.

We can totally relate to that.

And you know why? Because a terrible thing is happening. People can’t stand breakfast and they can’t stand dinner. Now, we have a Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday coming up and only two people are showing up, our roommate and our other roommate, and I give them both a lot of credit because they have the guts to come.

But a lot of them aren’t coming because we are hosts and they think we might be a guest at someone else’s luncheon and that would be a conflict of host-interest. Something we can’t do now because of equal popularity, we have a big party and you’re not allowed to have it because it’s an equal popularity provision and it’s very unfair that other friends and socialites can be at all these parties and fly around using their unlimited public transportation pass and we can’t because we run this blog called LadiezHJ. And it’s really just the best journal with the letter “Z” in it’s name. By the end of May, when we’re tired of writing about ladiez things, we’ll be able to do whatever we want and we could go to as many parties, even though your friend’s sister doesn’t want us to come because we always bring the best stuffed mushroom appetizer. And we also dance better than the general population. And at the end it’s all just impossible.

They want us to announce that we won’t go to other social events and dinners and potlucks and WE WON’T DO THAT. Because if the National Good Time Association picks the wrong person to honor as “Best Wednesday Fun Party” we, in fact, would seriously consider running. In fact, we already had our financial disclosure form made and we’re printing it in the to-be-released LHJ cookbook “Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday: A Practical Guide to Fun Parties,” because we’re so proud of the job we’ve done. We won’t agree not to go to other parties, or host other ground-breaking discussions. So we’ve decided to cancel Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday. We won’t give up on the possibility of not not doing it. We just don’t think it’s fair to us, to the country, to all of the millions of people that are following what we say because they are tired of having this internet being ripped off by China.

Wait, hold on. We’ve confused ourselves. Why aren’t we throwing this luncheon again? Maybe we should just do it.

We’re scheduling Ladiez Luncheon Wednesday for next Wednesday.